The Brad & Janet Mysteries
by Sierra.Gem
Summary: A parody of campy mystery cartoons, but with the "Rocky" cast! Hope you like it! WARNING: Intentionally bad.
1. Prologue From SierraGem

A/N:

Hello, all! Came up with the idea for this on a vacation. I was thinking of a _Rocky-_related parody of those campy mystery shows, e.g. _Scooby-Doo, Fangface, _but with something that never should be a cartoon, in the vein of _Little Shop _and the animated _Beetlejuice _series.

This is intentionally bad. It's supposed to be so cheesy you wouldn't believe it and just an overall parody of stated above. Keep that in mind when you read it.

I wrote all the songs myself.

This is in the present tense because I'm writing it in script form, but I've seen so much hate for someone who wrote in script form on this website that I'm transferring it into story form.

Well, hope you enjoy it!

(Oh, by the way, when I said I'd never do a _Rocky _fanfic…I lied. So sue me!)


	2. For You

A/N: "For You," sung by Brad, is a mushy love song in the vein of a Disney waltz. Think "Once Upon a Dream" from _Sleeping Beauty._

[Setting: Denton High School…]

Brad Majors and Janet Weiss are sitting on a rock outside of the school, various people passing by.

"Zompers, Brad!" Janet exclaims. "I can't believe we've graduated high school!"

"I know!" Brad agrees. "And Ralph and Betty made the greatest Prom King and Queen. But she wasn't as pretty as you, Janet…." He says in a disgustingly mushy voice.

"Oh, Brad!" She gushes.

Betty Monroe angrily pushes past a group of nearby kids.

"Hi, Betty!" Janet calls.

"Shove it up your ass, Weiss!" Betty growls.

She giggles stupidly. "You have a great summer too, Betty!"

"Janet…there's something I've wanted to say." Brad states.

"What is it, Brad?"

"Now that we're out of high school…will you marry me?"

Janet gasps.

"And I have reasons why you should say yes!" Brad says excitedly. "You should say yes because…" Brad stands on some random rock.

_"I'd walk a thousand miles for you_

_I'd smile a thousand smiles for you_

_I'd wait most all the whiles for you and more _(Janet gushes)

_I'd go most anywhere for you_

_I'll create time to spare for you_

_I'd take a thousand dares for you…_

Brad is pushed off the rock by an angry Betty.

_"Hey!" _Betty yells. _"What did I say, Majors?!"_

"Sorry!" He apologizes.

As Betty walks away, Janet helps Brad up.

"It was still sweet, Brad!" She exclaims. "And I'll…I'll…I'll accept it!"

Brad and Janet embrace quickly, then break apart.

"This calls for a night of celebration at Morty's Pizza!"

"Oh, Brad!" She gushes sickeningly.


	3. Welcome

A/N: Everyone in this is 17! And we'll get to the non-canon plot after Rocky is introduced, I promise! The song in here is "Welcome." I tried to go for a Motown sound, but I don't think I did very well. If any of you can penetrate my thoughts, I'd like to hear your thoughts. For those of you who can't, picture _Little Shop of Horrors _mixed with _Rocky's _own "Eddie."

[Setting: The side of a road…]

Janet stands by the broken car. Brad is underneath it, doing an inspection of what might've gone wrong.

"Oh, Brad, what are we going to do?" She gasps.

"I'll call the cops!" He replies, getting up. "They'll help us out! We'll be all right, Janet!"

"I sure hope so!" She exclaims while Brad talks with the cops on his cell phone, nodding.

He gets off. "They'll be a couple hours. Why don't we try and find somewhere to stay?"

She notices something in the distance. "Look!"

It's the castle.

"Let's go there!" He notices how sad Janet is. "Don't worry! It can't get any worse!"

Thunder booms, lightning crackles, and rain falls. After feeling it for a couple seconds, they run to the castle.

[Setting: Outside of the castle…]

Janet knocks on the door rapidly. Riff Raff answers calmly, looking around.

"Oh. It's raining." He observces.

"Yes, it's raining!" She exclaims.

He notices them. "Hello."

She is frustrated. "Hello, Mr. Whatever!"

"Riff Raff."

"Listen, Roff Reff-"

"Riff Raff."

"Miffed Raft-"

"Riff Raff."

"Tiff Splash-"

"Riff Raff."

"Whatever!" Janet yells. She calms down, inhaling and exhaling. She talks slowly. "Look, it's raining, right?"

"Right."

"So we need to go inside."

Riff Raff grins evilly. "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?"

He walks away, leading Brad and Janet in.

[Setting: Inside of the castle…]

Magenta is dusting on her ladder and Columbia is sitting on the staircase, painting her toenails. Riff Raff brings Brad and Janet to them.

"Genta, Columbia…" Riff Raff announced. "We've got company."

Columbia jumps off the staircase excitedly. "Company?! Well, what a nice surprise! Oh, we're gonna have so much fun! We're gonna—"

Magenta gets off the ladder and shoots her a glare. "Shut up, Columbia." She walks towards them. "Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

"I'm Brad Majors and this is my girlfriend Janet Weiss." Brad announces.

"It's nice to meet you…" Janet is scared.

"Don't be scared." Riff Raff reassures her. "We won't bite…" He shares a knowing look with Magenta. "If you don't want us to." He jumps on the ladder.

_"I see you're in a jumble_

_Feeling pretty humble_

_All you can do is mumble_

_Got nowhere to go…"_

_"You're looking for a spade," _sings Magenta,

_"But now don't be afraid_

_Just listen to our serenade_

_And then you'll know…"_

_"You're always welcome somewhere," _they both sing,

_"When you're down and out of luck_

_You're always welcome somewhere_

_Be you Samaritan or schmuck_

_You're always welcome somewhere_

_So children, don't you fear_

_You're always welcome somewhere _(Riff Raff jumps off the ladder and stands next to Magenta)

_And Brad and Janet, you are welcome here…"_

Janet pulls Brad aside. _"Brad, dear, I'm going to suggest_

_We shouldn't stay-"_

_"Don't protest," _sings Brad,

_"They're obviously trying their best_

_So let's stay here-"_

_"I don't know," _sings Janet,

_"They offer hospitality_

_But let's face the reality_

_I don't like their mentality_

_Braddy, let's just go!"_

"But they're right!" Brad exclaims. _"You're always welcome somewhere_

_When you're down and out of luck_

_You're always welcome somewhere_

_Be you Samaritan or schmuck…"_

_"You're always welcome somewhere…" _Riff Raff, Magenta, and Columbia join him.

_"So Janet, don't you fear…" _Brad sings.

Riff Raff, Magenta, and Columbia rejoin him. _"You're always welcome somewhere…"_

_"And Brad and Janet, you are welcome here…" _They, except Brad, sing.

_"Come on, Janet, join the fun," _Columbia sings,

_"We can party till the day is done_

_Don't you see it's four to none?_

_Pretty woman, don't you run_

_Because you know you'll never see the sun_

_Girl, you know your stress could weigh a ton_

_But you'll see if you stay for another one…"_

_"You're always welcome somewhere," _Riff Raff, Magenta, Columbia, and Brad sing together once again,

_"When you're down and out of luck_

_You're always welcome somewhere_

_Come on, Janet, don't be a schmuck!_

_You're always welcome somewhere_

_Don't even think of going astray_

_Because you're always welcome somewhere…"_

"Okay, I'll stay!" Janet bursts out.

"Good." Riff Raff replies. "We'll alert the master."

"The master?"

"Yes. He'll be glad to see him."

"Why, do we know him?"

"No…but you will never forget him." Riff Raff gives them an evil smile and disappears.

"I don't believe we had a proper introduction." Brad and Janet look at Magenta. "I'm Magenta and this is Columbia."

"How nice to meet ya!" Columbia chirps.

"That was my brother, Riff Raff."

"Oh, Mist Clap's your brother?" Janet inquires.

"It's Riff Raff. And yes, yes, he is. We're much…closer than other brothers and sisters."

"Well, that's…good to know." Brad manages. "It's nice to be friendly with them, isn't it?"

Magenta shoots Columbia a knowing look. "Yes…_friendly."_

Columbia giggles. Brad and Janet look at each other, confused, until they notice Riff Raff coming back in.

"I'd like to take you down to the lab." He announces.

"The lab?" Janet repeats. "Zompers! That sounds spooky!"

"You'll see. Come with me, Brad and Janet."

Riff Raff goes down to the lab, Brad and Janet behind him, Magenta and Columbia behind them.


	4. What You Need

A/N: This one features "What You Need" which was supposed to sound like rock. Think about "Suppertime I & II" from _Little Shop of Horrors, _but less eerie, more sexy. Sorry that Frankie can't live up to his true potential, but 1) this isn't supposed to be good and 2) these shows were watched by kids. It's PTA-disapproved enough that he's a transvestite! BTW, the electric guitar was for that weird, "wasn't-expecting-that-but-I-couldn't-care-less" feeling of those mystery shows. And yes, it does disappear after the end of the song. Oh, also, McKinley the hamster is a reference to the _Shock Treatment _doctors.

[Setting: Lab…]

Riff Raff turns the lights on. "The master should be down here any minute."

"Who is your master, may I ask?" Janet questions.

"You'll see."

She is frustrated. "I don't want to see! Why do you keep telling me that?" Frank-N-Furter is coming down the elevator as she speaks. "I want to know! You want to know what I want to know?"

Riff Raff smirks, seeing what's happening behind her. "What?"

She is freaking out. "Who are you? What are you? What is wrong with this place?"

The elevator stops and opens, revealing Frank-N-Furter. Brad is shocked, but Janet's practically having a heart attack.

"Did you all start the party without me?" He asks slyly.

"Who are you?!"

"Who am _I?" _He pulls out an electric guitar.

_"I know you've never seen someone quite like me_

_Because as far as I can see," _He chuckles. "Well…let's start with you, Janet."

"How do you know my name?!"

_"The timid little lady, only ever kissed before," _he sings,

_"Never came knocking on absolute pleasure's door_

_Don't worry, baby, I'm sure we'll make you a true whore…"_

Janet gasps.

"Oh, Janet, I was just joking. Lighten up a bit. However…

_I bet that I can make you brave_

_I bet I'll make you what all the men will crave_

_You'll have to make them your slaves…"_

"What? I would _never!"_

_"If you let me give you what you need_

_I'll make you every man's dream_

_I'll give you what you need to make them scream_

_They'll be crowding over you for some steam_

_If you let me give you what you need…_

If it's what you desire, Janet."

"No, it's not!"

_"Well, I'm afraid that's too bad_

_You turning down the advice that I had_

_But let's see what it'll mean to Brad…"_

Brad looks nervous.

_"I know you're still just a virgin_

_But virginity is a man's sin_

_You may not know it, but you want to give in_

_I bet that I can make you strong_

_You'll do the acts that you think are wrong…_and you'll do them right.

_With my guidance, you could _(raises an eyebrow at him) _go pretty long_

_If you let me give you what you need_

_I'll show you what could be next_

_Put the women under some kind of hex_

_And best of all, you'll be no stranger to sex_

_If you let me give you what you need…"_

"Well, I think that maybe—" Brad begins.

"Excuse me!" Janet cuts him off. "What's going on?"

"I'm just telling you what you need, Janet." Frank-N-Furter replies. "And I have a feeling that it's what you want, isn't it?"

"Stop it! I'm not going to let you put me in such a compromising position!"

"Not without protection, baby."

Janet scoffs. "Well, you're being awfully inappropriate!"

"I love her." He announces to Riff Raff, Magenta, and Columbia, walking towards Janet. "So sweet, so naïve…"

"I am not naïve!"

"I'll bet you think that everyone lives on kindness and love."

"I don't think that! I was perfectly capable of taking care of my hamster McKinley until my parents sent him to that farm!"

He raises an eyebrow at her, then shakes his head. "What you don't understand is that all kinds of beings, especially humans, live on pleasure. No one can live without it."

"Well, I'm very happy with my life."

"A certain kind of pleasure…"

Janet gets angry, realizing what he's getting at. "You dirty, slimy, sleazy…!"

"Do go on, Janet."

She fumes speechlessly.

"Anyways, you've come on a very special night." He marches over to something covered with a blanket. "For tonight…we will be creating life itself!"


	5. MC Horror's Rap

A/N: This one features "MC Horror's Rap," so far my favorite thing to write. Think "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer. BTW, I fully intend for all of Rocky's real spoken lines to come from the movie _Cool As Ice_.

[Setting: Lab…]

"Zompers!" Janet exclaims.

Frank-N-Furter is caught off-guard. "What the hell is a 'zomper?'" He shakes his head. "Never mind."

"Why are you creating life, may I ask, uh…what's your name again?" Brad stammers.

"Dr. Frank-N-Furter."

"Wow. But, anyways, why?"

"There comes a time when one hungers for company." He leans on the tank, a look of lust in his eyes. "And what does one do?"

"Join eHarmony?"

"No! One creates someone who will always be there to do whatever you desire…and more." He chuckles slyly. "And now…Columbia, Magenta?"

Columbia and Magenta grab either side of the blanket over the tank.

"Brad and Janet, I present to you…Rocky Horror!"

They remove the blanket; Rocky is in the tank. He suddenly emerges, dons a backwards cap and a gold chain with a dollar sign on it, and grabs a microphone that appeared basically out of nowhere.

_"Check, 1, 2, 1 2," _Rocky begins,

_"MC Horror is here to say_

_Let's start the party, come join the fray_

_I'm rocking and rapping like no other_

_And I want to state that I'm a real bad mother_

_It's raining, but it's light at the Frankenstein place_

_I'm chilling with my peeps from outer space_

_First there's my new bros Brad and Janet_

_Then my bad posse from Transsexual planet_

_So come on all you boys and girls_

_MC Horror's gonna rock your world!"_

"That doesn't rhyme…" Riff Raff observes.

_"I'm gonna make you move your feet_

_So let's all rock out to the beat_

_We're going to party without a glitch_

_Cause MC Horror's one son of a-"_

"All right, let's stop him before he freestyles." Riff Raff groans.

"Say, does he know how to Madison?" Brad asks.

"Brad, not everybody knows how to Madison." Janet sighs.

"Master, it seems Vanilla Ice here is fully functional." Riff Raff snaps.

"Now if you'll excuse me," Rocky drawls, "I need to go, uh, schling a schlong."

"You've really done it now, haven't you?"

"Uh, could we get some help for the car?" Brad pipes up.

"You ain't gonna stay?" Columbia whimpers.

"Shut up, Columbia." Frank-N-Furter growls. "You're not going to stay?" He asks Brad and Janet.

Columbia sulks.

"Brad, I think it'd be a little more helpful if we stayed." Janet reassures him.

The shutters clatter, thunder and lightning rumbles, and eerie voices fill the air.

"Kill…" One whispers.

"Or how about we leave?"

The entire gang rushes toward the door, but it's locked. They desperately pull it.

"Frank, open the door!" Magenta screams.

"I never locked it!" Frank-N-Furter replies frantically. "And anyways, I don't have the key!"

Thunder clashes again.

Janet jumps into Rocky's arms. "Rocky, protect me!"

Frank-N-Furter jealously pushes Janet out of Rocky' arms. "Rocky, protect us!"

Rocky grunts.

"What are we going to do?" Brad panicks.

"Everyone!" Riff Raff steps up onto the table. "It appears that we have a haunting. But ghosts don't exist, do they?"

"Well, evidently," Columbia argues, "they do!"

"Shut up, Columbia. Of course they don't! And that means someone here is causing the hauntings."

Eddie suddenly bursts in.

"Hot Patootie, bless my soul," Eddie exclaims, "I really love that rock 'n' roll!"


	6. Something Weird

A/N: Ooh! A bit of an unusual pairing at the end. (Not my pairing of choice, but I just felt like writing it.) This features "Something Weird." Think of "Greased Lightnin'" from _Grease _and that "Keep On Dancing" song from _The Brady Bunch Movie_.

"Eddie!" Columbia squeals.

"So it was him!" Magenta exclaims.

"What was me, baby?" Eddie asks.

"You're the one who's causing all the hauntings!"

"What hauntings? Are there monsters or something?"

"That stupid little…"

"But what if Eddie didn't do it?" Columbia pipes up.

"Shut up, Columbia!"

"Hey, don't talk to my girl like that! And besides, I didn't cause no hauntings!"

"Look, why don't we all split up?" Frank reasons.

"Split up?!" Janet repeats. "Are you crazy?!"

"Maybe he's got a point, Janet." Brad disagrees. "We can find out who's causing the hauntings much faster if we split up."

"Okay, let's draw straws." Frank suggests.

"Where are we going to find straws?" Riff argues.

"Just so happens I have a bunch of straws in my pocket!" Eddie exclaims.

"That was suspiciously convenient."

Everyone grabs a broken straw.

"Okay, I'm with…Riff Raff." Eddie announces.

Riff rolls his eyes. "It has to be me. It always has to be me."

"Janet, you're with…Frank."

"Oh!" Janet exclaims. "Well…"

"Oh, this should be fun." Frank grins slyly.

She blushes.

"Brad," Eddie calls, "you're with…Magenta."

"Well, well, well, Majors." Magenta smirks.

Brad looks away.

"Columbia, you're with…Rocky." Eddie deduces.

"Oh, Eddie," Columbia whimpers, "I wish I could be with you!"

"Words of wisdom: drop that zero and get with the hero." Rocky tells her.

"Back off my girl, Horror." Eddie growls.

He shrugs.

"Is that everyone? Good. Now let's split up!"

[Setting: Dining Room…]

"Why would there be any ghosts in the dining room?" Janet inquires.

"Well, you never know." Frank shrugs.

"Can I tell you something?"

"If you're going to tell me that you're a virgin, I already sensed that. And I'll be happy to change that."

"No! No, I just wanted to say that…I'm scared.

_Something's going on here and I'm getting kinda scared_

_I didn't want to be here, so I'm really unprepared_

_And now I'm being haunted by something that's a-really to be feared_

_Oh, yeah_

_I'm kinda freaking out_

_And I wanna scream and shout_

_And my tension's gonna sprout_

_Uh-huh_

_Because there's something weird going on in here_

_And it's affecting all of us right now_

_There's something crazy going on in here_

_Would all you ghosts just take a bow_

_And stop this madness_

_Right now…"_

[Setting: Zen Room…]

"Do you really think we're going to find the ghosts here?" Brad asks.

"Our guess is as good as anyone's." Magenta replies.

"Magenta, are you, you know, scared?"

"I'm a bit concerned, yes, but scared, no. Why, are you?"

"A little."

"Ooh, big, tough Brad Majors scared!"

"It's not like that. It's just a little odd, all these happenings…

_Something's happening that's unusual and crazy_

_We better keep searching cause we're getting kinda lazy_

_We need to find the ghosts, my mind's a-getting kinda hazy_

_Yeah_

_What do they want_

_What's the reason for this haunt_

_Or is this just a tease and taunt_

_Uh-huh_

_Because there's something weird going on in here_

_And it's affecting all of us right now_

_There's something crazy going on in here_

_Would all you ghosts just take a bow_

_And stop this madness_

_Right now…"_

[Setting: Lab…]

"Eddie, for the last time," Riff groans, "the ghost is not in the lab! We've been here for ten minutes and we've looked everywhere!"

"Elementary, my dear Riff Raff," Eddie counters, "we just have to look harder."

"Ugh! My God, Eddie, you are so aggravating!"

"You're the one being uncooperative! Just help me out here!"

"Fine. And I am _not _your Watson."

"Riff, are you just holding back because you're scared?"

"Me? Scared? Never! I just think it's an idiotic idea! Ghosts! Whoever heard of such a thing?"

"Well, I have, and I'm not stopping till I find those ghosts.

_You gotta be strong because we need to find our ghost_

_And you're the one that's bugging me the most_

_You really need to help me or we'll all be toast_

_You dig?"_

_"But there's one thing I don't get," _Riff sings,

_"Why does everybody fret_

_There's been no proof yet_

You _dig?"_

_"But there's something going on in here_

_And it's affecting all of us right now…"_

_"There's something stupid going on in here_

_I can't tell why you don't see how_

_Let's stop this madness_

_Right now…"_

"Riff, why don't you believe in ghosts?"

"Because someone in here is causing the hauntings! I just have a feeling!"

"Maybe someone's here and we don't know it."

"But there are cameras! Wouldn't we know?"

"Well, let's see!"

Riff and Eddie rush over to the cameras, but see no one they didn't expect to see.

"Well, you know what this means!" Eddie exclaims.

"We give up and agree that there are no ghosts?"

"No! We look harder! They're invisible, I tell you, invisible!"

Riff groans.

[Setting: One of the bedrooms…]

"Why didn't I get a verse of the song?" Columbia whines.

Rocky just stares at her.

"Oh, Rocky…you don't talk much, do you? Except to spout out stupid Vanilla Ice lines."

He grins widely.

She giggles and sighs. "You wouldn't tell me to shut up or be mean to me, would you?"

He just stares at her once more.

She sits down on the bed. "Sometimes I just feel like I'm taken advantage of, like no one here cares about me. I mean, Frank's got you, and Genta's got Riffy. And I've got Eddie, but he's never around. So what am I left with?"

He still stares. Columbia stares back until leaning in and kissing him. Rocky eventually lays down on top of her, still kissing her.

She pulls away. "I'm sure we could take a little break from ghost hunting…."

He smiles.


	7. Columbia's Song

A/N: This installment includes "Columbia's Song" which is mostly based off of "My Eyes Adored You" by Frankie Valli. Think of that.

[Setting: Bedroom.]

Columbia and Rocky are lying in bed.

"Rocky…" Columbia sighs.

He is silent.

"Oh, my God," she exclaims frantically, "I cheated on Eddie!" She begins sobbing. "I'm a terrible person!"

"…Drop that zero and get with the hero."

"Oh, Rocky, I wish it were that simple."

[Setting: Dining Room.]

"This is hopeless, Frank!" Janet exclaims. "Why can't we just go?!"

"Fine." Frank responds. "Where else are we going to look?"

"Well, Brad and Magenta are in the Zen Room, Jiffy Grass and Eddie are in the lab, and Columbia and Rocky are searching the bedrooms."

"Let me call them!" He inhales, about to yell.

There is lightning and the room grows dark.

"Zompers! The lights are out!"

"Would you please stop saying that?"

"Frankie, _anything _could happen with the lights out!"

He smirks. "That sounds like an invitation…."

Janet gasps. "Oh! Well, I never! I'm going to go find the others!"

She runs away. Frank chases her.

[Setting: Bedroom.]

"We should get back, Rocky." Columbia announces. She gets up, but Rocky pulls her back down, smiling. She giggles. "Rocky!" She sighs.

_"It gets lonely in the castle_

_Lots of hassle_

_All the times I watched you pass, oh_

_Right by me_

_How you try me_

_But I thought that you were lying_

_Now I've found appreciation_

_By a guy with no intoxication_

_And I sit here in anticipation_

_I've only known you for 15 minutes_

_But I know what will begin, it's_

_A beginning of a new Columbia_

(belting) _And with Rocky by my side—"_

There is a loud thump from downstairs, shutting her up.

[Setting: Zen Room.]

"Shut up up there!" Magenta yells, a broom in hand. She grunts angrily and puts it down. "Stupid badly written love song."

"Love is a wonderful thing, Magenta." Brad disagrees. "Aren't you in love?"

She slyly smiles to herself. "Well, let's not get into it…and how about I get into you?" She tackles him and kisses him.

"_Magenta_!" He pushes her off. "What are you doing?"

"Brad, ease up! I'm so bored in here. There's obviously nothing to be found in the Zen Room! So let's have some fun…."

"But I love Janet!"

"Forget about Janet! Who knows what she's doing with Frank?!"

"But—but she wouldn't—" Brad sputters.

"Oh, wouldn't she?"

"Fine!" He growls angrily. "But just this once!" He kisses Magenta.

"What?" Eddie calls. "Who's in here?"

They pull apart. Magenta feels a tug at her hair.

"Ow!" She winces angrily. "Who is this?!"

"Oh, good, there you are! What are you guys doing on the floor?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Genta…" Riff warns.

"What?"

Eddie gasps. "You guys…oh, I am so telling Janet!" He rushes off, pulling Riff along with him.

Magenta cackles. "If you can find her!"

"What?!" Brad exclaims. "No!" He springs up, running. Magenta follows.

[Setting: Corridors of the castle.]

Eddie is running, Riff behind him for some reason. Brad is chasing Eddie, Magenta behind him just for the fun of it.

"Oh, Janet!" Eddie calls.

"No!" Brad yells.

Meanwhile, Janet and Frank are wandering around, trying to find the others.

"Oh, Frankie, I'm scared!" She whimpers.

"Don't be." He reassures her. "I haven't tried to feel you up yet."

"You were planning to?!"

"Well, you know me, Janet."

"For fifteen freaking minutes!" She covers her mouth. "I'm sorry."

Eddie, Riff, Brad, and Magenta run to them.

"Ha!" Eddie laughs. "Found them!"

"Janet, don't listen to him!" Brad calls.

"What?" Janet asks. "What's going on?"

"Don't get any closer!" Frank warns.

Eddie trips and falls on Frank and Janet, knocking them into a nearby doorway.

[Setting: Bedroom.]

Frank, Eddie, and Janet, in a heap, burst through the door. Magenta, Brad, and Riff stand in the doorway. Columbia and Rocky are in the bed.

"Oh, my God!" She exclaims, shocked.

Everyone's jaws drop except Columbia's and Rocky's.


	8. At the Spooky Haunted House Tonight

A/N: Here we go! It's the end! I'd like to congratulate KODfreak on _actually guessing the ending_. (applause) Anyhoo, this chapter contains "At the Spooky Haunted House Tonight"; think the theme song to the Monkees' TV Show, and, if anyone knows this, "Happy Haunted Sunshine House" from that _Johnny Bravo_/_Scooby-Doo _crossover.

[Setting: Bedroom…]

"Columbia!" Eddie exclaims.

"Rocky!" Frank yells, horrified.

"Columbia, I'm surprised at you!" Brad scolds.

"Oh, yeah," Eddie scoffs angrily, "like you're such a saint yourself, Brad Majors, making out with Magenta while Janet wasn't around!"

"What?!" Janet screams. "Brad!"

"Janet!" Brad replies.

"Magenta!" Riff exclaims.

"Riff!" Magenta yells back.

"Rocky!" Frank repeats.

Rocky turns to him.

"Columbia!" Eddie yells.

"Eddie!" She hollers back.

"Janet!" Brad exclaims.

"Brad!" She gasps.

"Rocky!" Frank repeats himself once again.

Rocky turns to him.

"Magenta!" Riff yells.

"Riff!" Magenta answers.

"All right," Frank growls, "that's it!"

Frank begins chasing Columbia around, Rocky chasing her, Eddie chasing him, Brad chasing him, Janet chasing him, Magenta chasing her, and Riff chasing her.

[Setting: A hallway with a series of doors…]

We see caricatures of the Monkees playing at the head of the hallway.

_"Running around in a spooky house," _Davy Jones sings,

_"Cause your boyfriend is a stupid louse_

_Crazy transvestite running after you_

_MC Horror, whatcha gonna do?_

_At the spooky haunted house tonight_

_Your girlfriend's chasing you all through_

_Cause the redhead tried to hit on you_

_And her brother's her boyfriend, which is kinda weird_

_Looks like your reputation's smeared_

_At the spooky haunted house tonight…"_

Frank, Columbia, Rocky, and Eddie chase Brad, Janet, Magenta, and Riff through a door. Brad, Janet, Magenta, and Riff chase Frank, Columbia, Rocky, and Eddie through another door. Frank chases Columbia through another door. Magenta chases Janet through another door. The _Scooby-Doo _gang chases the _Rocky _gang through another door. Janet goes through a door and sees herself coming through another. They both run back through the doors they came from.

_"You're chasing each other in a clichéd scene," _Davy Jones sings,

_"Cause Magenta is a bitch and Janet's pristine_

_Riff Raff doesn't know what he's doing_

_But Rocky and Columbia were just screwing_

_At the spooky haunted house tonight…"_

They all go through separate doors and run into each other. Someone is wearing a mask.

"Okay, this ends here!" Frank exclaims. He pulls off the mask.

"Ralph Hapschatt?!" Everyone yells.

"Looks like you really did it, huh, Brad?" Ralph asks.

Frank rips off that mask.

"Dr. Scott?!" Everyone yells again.

"Or should I say, Dr. _Von _Scott?"

"From the day he vas born…" Dr. Von Scott begins.

Frank rips off _that _mask.

"Steve Urkel?!" Everyone yells once again.

"Wacka-wacka-doo!" Steve Urkel exclaims.

Frank rips off _that _mask to reveal Columbia.

"Columbia?!" Everyone exclaims in surprise.

"That's right!" She snarls angrily. "I was haunting you! None of you appreciated me…except for Rocky! He never told me to shut up! He never told me to do anything I didn't want to, and I love him!"

Janet steps forward, an American flag suddenly flapping behind her. "Can't we forgive and forget? All Columbia wanted was respect, which we…which _you _denied her! So how about we just all cam down and appreciate her?"

"Maybe you're right, Janet." Frank sighs.

She nods smugly.

"Sorry, Columbia…." Everyone but Janet mumbles.

Columbia and Rocky embrace.

"Now let's go to Morty's Pizza!" Brad grins.

"Yay!" Everyone cheers.

As they walk away, Columbia gets up. Frank lags behind and, when everyone's gone, punches her in the face.

"That's for stealing my creation, bitch!" He huffs, jumping into Rocky's arms. "Let's go, sweetheart!"

Rocky glances at Columbia, who is lying on the floor and unconscious, sadly…then shrugs and carries Frank away.


	9. Epilogue from SierraGem

Hey, guys. I just want to thank you for the awesome journey B&J Mysteries has been on. Seriously, I really do want to thank you. What started as a stupid idea I had during the summer grew to something fantastic, and I'm overjoyed about it.

Zompers! I can't believe it's really the end.

Anyways, thanks so much for everything - this is officially my magnum opus. This and _Rocky Horror of Party Beach_. R&R that too, folks, right in the Crossovers!

Okay, I'm gonna go before I start crying. See you later!


End file.
